Adam's Blog

Love. Spiritual Practice and Spiritual Experience

2011-01-17T21:35:00.001-08:00

If you have ever had a "spiritual experience" you know that Love isn't just a sentiment that one person expresses to another, but rather, Love is the closest our language can get to expressing the True Nature of all Reality. Love is also the experience of what's left when we truly "let go" of all of our stories, judgements, and other mind made barriers that are covering it up. Love is also ever-present, which means there's no where or when that love is not, because love is always Now, and love is always Here. "I love you" means I see and know you as you are now, without a past, without a story, but just as you are, reproduced by Love itself, and therefore sharing both the image and likeness of this Divine and creative force that pervades the entire universe. Cultivating the awareness of this is done through spiritual practice. That's actually what spiritual practice is. It is any effort toward this EXPERIENCE of, or the awareness of Reality as it is. Of course Reality and Love is beyond both of the concepts, however they seem to be close to or at least as close as we can get to...read more.

What is Counseling?

2010-04-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

This is a common question. I appreciate the way a colleague of mine, Greg McBride, answers this question. I tend to to approach counseling in a very similar way.

"I see counseling as the opportunity to deliberately challenge the information that doesn't work for you anymore. It is a chance to unlearn what you were taught and relearn what can work for you now.

Throughout our formative years, we pick up information about the interactions with and around us. It's really all we can do to try and learn how the world works through these interactions. Sometimes we assimilate techniques and thought patterns that will help us later in our life - how to communicate openly, how to trust and love, how to cope. Other times, we are left with mixed messages, unhealthy tendencies, or destructive ideals.

Be quiet! Don't talk!I'll give you an example. Let's say, as a child, you were taught that it was best to not talk. Talking made dad angry and it made mom tearful and overwhelmed. You learned that talking threatened the security of your family's status quo. Maybe you were told this specifically and maybe you learned it indirectly, but the message was the same: your words are to blame. If talking is named as the source of another person's anger or sadness or their drinking or absence, it does not take long for you to learn, "DON'T TALK." As much as this lesson may have worked to your benefit before, that same lesson may fail you now.

Counseling is a deliberate attempt to challenge the lessons that might have made sense to you when the situation required them. As situations in your life change, what worked well for you, what made sense to you, and what was potentially correct for you before might now be hurting you and your relationships. A counseling session is the place to assess, in a frame of curiosity and ownership, these unhelpful lessons and their context. This unique space, both physical and mental, can help you to examine possibilities for change and to explore new wisdom in an updated context.

An important component of the type of interpersonal relationship counseling that I offer is accountability. Throughout the process, no matter what feelings are uncovered, maintaining accountability for our own actions is both a key focus and a desired outcome. Each one of us has control only over what we say and do, not how others react to us; understanding this aspect of our social construction helps the counseling process to be an opportunity for assessment and ownership."

Adam R. Seward
www.adamsewardcounseling.net

Understanding the Teenage Brain

2010-04-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

Adam Seward Counseling
www.adamsewardcounseling.net

So do you believe 2010 can your best year ever?

2009-12-28T14:05:00.000-08:00

I invite you to take this opportunity, as we bring 2009 to a close, to stop for a moment and reflect on the "belief infrastructure" that will support your move into 2010. I want you to have a fantastic new year and to be able to move into the year with the energy, clarity and focus that 2010 can be one of your best years yet. This is a real possibility: unless you have a time machine, 2010 is the leading edge of evolution as we know it, which means you are probably the wisest that you have ever been in your life.

So let’s try an experiment. I’d like to invite you to engage in a little New Year’s practice to move you into 2010 with greater awareness, vision and focus...

1. Imagine the date is December 31, 2010. Write down in concrete detail what you want your life to look like on this date. This vision can include whatever life areas you feel are appropriate. For example, any or all of Body, Mind, Spirit, Shadow, Service, Work, Relationships, Sexuality, Parenting, Ethics, Activism, etc.

2.Now take a few minutes: sit by yourself and brainstorm a list of all the assumptions you’re making that either support or hinder your ability to achieve that vision. Don’t edit yet, just make a note of which assumptions will support you and which will hinder you.

3.Take a moment to re-read and acknowledge all of the supporting assumptions and beliefs that will support you next year. Just make a quick mental note of how each will support your vision.

4.Now choose up to 3 inhibiting assumptions you believe will most significantly hinder your vision. If you are a quarterback, then these three are like the defensive line trying to tackle your ass this coming year, and you’ve got to get your running back by them.

5.Now, for each assumption you’ve chosen, ask yourself the following:

What could I achieve if that assumption is wrong?

What story about myself or my capabilities does that assumption help perpetuate?

What would I do if I wanted to prove that assumption wrong?

When I give voice to that limiting assumption, what voice is speaking? (e.g., the voice of fear, the voice of the skeptic, the voice of the complacent father, the voice of the lonely child, the voice of the failed executive, etc?)

Is it worth it to me to see my assumptions as a story I’m telling myself?

Finish by sitting for a final 5 minutes with your eyes closed, breathing deeply. Notice your mind, emotions and the feeling in your chest as you let your limiting beliefs gradually loosen. Hopefully you feel a little lighter, a little more focused, a little more like the author of your own life this New Year.

The stories we tell ourselves create a very powerful reality that heavily influences what we’re capable of. Hard work, focus, skill, multiple perspectives, integral tools and dozens of other things all contribute to what we’re able to do in our lives. But at some basic level it all starts with what we tell ourselves we will do and then clearing the way mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically to go do it. And this starts with your story. So tell yourself a great one for 2010. Make it the best year ever. You deserve it, and I’m counting on all of you to help us continue the work that humanity needs you for.

Adam R. Seward
Individual, Couple, & Family Counsling
www.adamsewardcounseling.net

(Thank you to Rob Smith from Integral Life for providing this framework)

How Do You Begin Your Day?

2009-12-21T11:32:00.001-08:00

What is the first thing you say in the morning when you wake up? We all have something we say almost every day. Is it positive or negative? Do you awaken with a groan and say, "Oh God, Another Day." If you do, do you ever notice that that is exactly the kind of day you have, one thing after another going wrong? Try this...when you wake up, even before opening your eyes,thank the bed for a good night's sleep. After all, you have spent the whole night together in comfort. Then with your eyes still closed, spend about ten minutes just being thankful for all the good in your life. Program your day a bit, affirming that everything will go well and that you will enjoy it all.

Then give yourself a few minutes to sit in quiet meditation. If you are new to meditation, begin with five minutes. Sit quietly, observe your breathing and allow the thoughts to pass gently through your mind. Give them no importance and they will pass on. It is the nature of the mind to think, so don't try to get rid of thoughts.

There are many classes and books you can explore to find ways to meditate. No matter how or where you begin, you will eventually create the method best for you. I usually just sit quietly and ask, "What is it that I need to know?" I allow the answer to come if it wants to, if not, I know it will come later. There is no right or wrong way to meditate.

Another form is to sit quietly and observe the breath as it goes in and out of your body. As you inhale count one, as you exhale count two. Continue counting until you get to 10, then begin again at one. If you notice your counting takes you to 25 or so, just go back to one.

This will help to center you so that you can bring your best self into the rest of your days activities. I've heard so many people tell me that just doing this one thing, every morning, completely changes and enhances the quality of their day, and ultimately their lives.

Adam R. Seward
Individual, Couple, and Family Counselor
www.adamsewardcounseling.net

Tangerine Meditation

2009-11-09T14:01:00.000-08:00

If I offer you a freshly picked tangerine to enjoy, the degree to which you enjoy it will depend on your degree of mindfulness. If you are free of worries and anxiety, you will enjoy it more. If you are possessed by anger or fear, the tangerine may not be very real to you.
One day, I offered a number of children a basket filled with tangerines. The basket was passed around, and each child took one tangerine and put it in his or her palm. We each looked at our tangerine, and the children were invited to meditate on its origins. They saw not only their tangerine, but also its mother, the tangerine tree. With some guidance, they began to visualize the blossoms in the sunshine and in the rain. Then they saw petals falling down and the tiny green fruit appear. The sunshine and the rain continued, and the tiny tangerine grew. Now someone has picket it, and the tangerine is here. After seeing this, each child was invited to peel the tangerine slowly, noticing the mist and fragrance of the tangerine, and then bring it up to his or mouth and have a mindful bite, in full awareness of the texture and taste of the fruit and the juice coming out. We ate slowly like that.
Each time you look at a tangerine, you can see deeply into it. You can see everything in the universe in one tangerine. When you peel it and smell it, it’s wonderful. You can take your time eating a tangerine and be very happy. (Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace is Every Step)

This is the essence of mindfulness. Being Present with whatever you are doing. Mindful walking is being deeply attuned to every step. Mindful eating is being acutely aware of the subtlety of every bite. Even if you’re day dreaming, being aware that you are day dreaming. Everything can be done mindfully, and with mindfulness comes a great sense of peace and relaxation. This months meetup will focus on this quality of mindfulness.

www.adamsewardcounseling.net

Our Deepest Fear

2009-11-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. -Marianne Williamson

Adam R. Seward
Individual, Couple, and Group Counseling
www.adamsewardcounseling.net

Guidelines for Conflict Resolution

2009-10-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

Conflict is a part of life. I've heard it said that in any relationship where both parties agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary. Therefore, it is essential that we develop and maintain skills for resolving conflict in our lives. Below are some helpful tools that can guide you in your efforts to resolve conflict in your life.

1. Seek first to understand, and then to be understood. Hear the other persons point of view before stating your own. People are much more willing to hear another's position once they feel they've been heard. This one strategy may be enough to resolve most conflicts.

2.De-personalize conflicts in so far as possible. When you are identified with a want, need, or position, you will be more likely to become angry and defensive when attempting to resolve a conflict. This is generally not helpful. Further,if you can, avoid behavior which may inspire defensiveness in those you are working with about the positions they have taken. Recognize that how something is said can be as important as what is said.

3.Concentrate on obtaining a common understanding of the knowledge, assumptions, and ideas used by the parties involved in the conflict. Many conflicts are easily resolved when such a common understanding is reached. Listen to all of a message before responding.

4.Avoid hidden agendas and “score carding’. In so far as possible, deal with the current situation rather than past perceived transgressions.

5.Create an atmosphere conducive to resolving the conflict. Timing is important – particularly when a cooling off period is in order to let emotions simmer down before seeking an acceptable solution. Keep the discussion in a low key.

6.Encourage effective listening. One of the primary causes of conflict is the inability or unwillingness of people to listen to those who think differently.

7.Make it common knowledge that your goal is to search for the solution that will best satisfy the mutually agreed upon objectives. Be open-minded. Insist upon evaluative exploration of alternative approaches before arriving at a conclusion.

8.Some conflicts are virtually irreconcilable, such as a serious personality clash among organizational members. It may be necessary to reorganize or re-staff to work the problem, but it still must be worked – one way or the other.

Cultivate Love and Gratitude

2009-10-05T11:49:00.000-07:00

Love does not flower in a vacuum, but rather is nourished by supportive attitudes such as generosity and gratitude. Generosity is so important, not only to love but to all spiritual life.

While forgiveness heals the heart of old hurts, gratitude opens it to present love. Gratitude bestows many benefits. It dissolves negative feelings: anger and jealousy melt in its embrace, fear and defensiveness shrink. Gratitude deflates the barriers to love.

Gratitude also evokes happiness, which is itself a powerfully healing and beneficial emotion. The great Taoist sage Chuang Tzu even went so far as to say that "When one reaches happiness, one is close to perfection." When we are happy, we like to make others happy, and this fosters kindness and generosity.

Gratitude is a gift to everyone. No wonder Saint Paul urged us to "Rejoice always" and to "give thanks in all circumstances." Like other attitudes, gratitude can be cultivated. We can't have to wait for our fairy godmother to shower us with gifts before feeling thankful. We can develop gratitude by reflecting on the gifts that are already ours. This reflection can be done for a minute, a day, or throughout a lifetime. Most people celebrate their birthday and holidays, but those who cultivate gratitude celebrate every day. We can be grateful because we are happy but we can also be happy because we are grateful.

A helpful exercise is to extend this spirit of thankfulness through your day.

1) Think of the people you will meet during this time. These might include family members or friends who love you, the bus drivers who get you to and from work, or the janitor who cleans your room. See if you can find a reason to feel grateful to each person you meet.

2) Continue this recollection of gratitude throughout the day. Try to bring to mind a reason for feeling grateful to each person you meet. This need not take long; a few seconds may be enough to recall some quality or gift of theirs that you appreciate. In this way each person becomes a bearer of good feelings and each meeting is a cause for gratitude.

At the completion of the exercise period, take time to reflect on the people you met and your feelings about them. After a day like this, you may understand why gratitude is called the heart of love. (Essential Spirituality, Roger Walsh.)

Becoming a Person

2009-09-23T13:20:00.000-07:00

Therapy is about entering into an intensely personal relationship with the client-relating not as a scientist to an object of study, not as a physician expecting to diagnose and cure, but as a person to a person.

I appreciate this description of the optimal therapeutic encounter.

First, as a therapist, I experience the client as a person of unconditional self-worth: of value no matter what his condition, his behavior, or his feelings. It would mean that the therapist is genuine, hiding behind no defensive facade, but meeting the client with the feelings which organically he is experiencing. It would mean that the therapist is able to let himself go in understanding this client; that no inner barriers keep him from sensing what it feels like to be the client at each moment of the relationship; and that he can convey something of his empathic understanding to the client. It means that the therapist has been comfortable in entering this relationship fully, without knowing cognitively where it will lead, satisfied with providing a climate which will permit the client the utmost freedom to become himself.

For the client, this optimal therapy would mean an exploration of increasingly strange and unknown and dangerous feelings in himself, the exploration proving possible only because he is gradually realizing that he is accepted unconditionally. Thus he becomes acquainted with elements of his experience which have in the past been denied to awareness as too threatening, too damaging to the structure of the self. He finds himself experiencing these feelings fully, completely, in the relationship, so that for the moment he is his fear, or his anger, or his tenderness, or his strength. And as he lives these widely varied feelings, in all their degrees of intensity, he discovers that he has experienced himself, and that he is all these feelings. He finds his behavior changing in constructive fashion in accordance with newly experienced self. He approaches the realization that he no longer needs to fear what experience may hold, but can welcome it freely as part of his changing and developing self. (Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person.)

Meditation on Compassion

2009-09-01T17:55:00.001-07:00

Love is a mind that brings peace, joy, and happiness to another person. Compassion is a mind that removes the suffering that is present in the other. We all have the seeds of love and compassion in our minds, and we can develop these fine and wonderful sources of energy. We can nurture the unconditional love that does not expect anything in return and therefore does no lead to anxiety and sorrow.

The essence of love and compassion is understanding, the ability to recognize the physical, material, and psychological suffering of others, to put ourselves "inside the skin" of the other. We "go inside" their body, feelings, and mental formations, and witness for ourselves their suffering. Shallow observation as an outsider is not enough to see their suffering. We must become one with the object of our observation. When we are in contact with another's suffering, a feeling of compassion is born in us.

We find ways to nourish and express our compassion. When we come into contact with the another, our thoughts and actions should express our mind of compassion, even if that person says and does things that are not easy to accept. We practice in this way until we see clearly that our love is not contingent on the other person being lovable. Then we can know that our mind of compassion is firm and authentic. We ourselves will be more at ease, and the person who has been the object of our meditation will also benefit eventually. His suffering will slowly diminish, and his life will gradually be brighter and more joyful as a result of our compassion. (Peace is Every Step, Page 82,83)

Relationships

2009-08-10T11:35:00.001-07:00

The relationships you have with objects and foods and weather and transportation and with people all reflect the relationship you have with yourself. The relationship you have with yourself is highly influenced by the relationships you had with the adults around you as a child. The way the adults reacted to us then is often the way we react toward ourselves now, both positively and negatively.

Think for a moment of the words you use when you are scolding yourself. Aren't they the same words your parents used when they were scolding you? What words did they use when they praised you? Do you use the same words to praise yourself?

Perhaps they never praised you, so then you have no idea how to praise yourself and probably think you have nothing to praise. I am not blaming our parents, because we are all victims of victims. They could not possibly teach you anything they did not know.

Many believe that every major relationship we have is a reflection of the relationship we had with one of our parents. Until we clean up that first one, we will never be free to create exactly what we want in relationships. Are you interested in cleaning up that first one quickly and efficiently instead of attempting to do so unconsciously in your next relationship?

Relationships are mirrors of ourselves. What we attract always mirrors either qualities we have or beliefs we have about relationships. This is true whether it is a boss, a coworker, an employee, a friend, a lover, a spouse, or child. The things you don't like about these people are either what you yourself do or would like to do, or what you believe. You could not attract them or have them in your life if the way they are didn't somehow complement your own life. (Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life)

Preparing for Success

2009-08-03T10:28:00.000-07:00

The PREPARE/ENRICH is a wonderful tool used for premarital preparation and marriage enrichment. PREPARE/ENRICH includes a comprehensive couple assessment along with feedback using skills building exercises. After taking the test, the couple is given a detailed description of both their strengths and growth areas as a couple. Having this information will empower the couple and therapist in addressing the couples "growth areas" in a very direct and efficient way.

I've talked with couples who have spent hundreds of dollars in therapy just finding out what's not working in their relationship. This test really allows for time in therapy to be used in the most efficient way possible. If you're a therapist who works with couples, or a couple seeking counseling, I highly recommend the PREPARE/ENRICH system for achieving success in your relationship.

For more info you can go here PEPARE/ENRICH Website

If you are interested setting up an appointment to take the test Click Here or call the office at 425 760 5724

Letting Go of the Past

2009-07-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

Many people come to me and say they cannot enjoy today because of something that happened in the past.

Because they did not do something or do it in a certain way in the past, they cannot live a full life today. Because they no longer have something they had in the past, they cannot enjoy today. Because they were hurt in the past, they will not accept love now. Because something unpleasant happened when they did something once, they are sure it will happen again today. Because they once did something that they are sorry for, they are sure they are bad people forever. Because once someone did something to them, it is now all the other person’s fault that their life is not where they want it to be. Because they became angry over a situation in the past, they will hold on to that self-righteousness. Because of some very old experience where they were treated badly, they will never forgive and forget.

Because I did not get invited to the High School Prom, I cannot enjoy life today.

Because I did poorly at my first audition, I will be terrified of auditions forever.

Because I am no longer married, I cannot live a full life today.

Because my first relationship ended, I can no longer be open to love.

Because I was hurt by a remark once, I will never trust anyone again.

Because I stole something once, I must punish myself forever.

Because I was poor as a child, I will never get anywhere.

What we often refuse to realize is that holding onto the past---no matter what it was or how awful it was, is ONLY HURTING US. “They" really don’t care. Usually “they” are not even aware. We are only hurting ourselves by refusing to live in this moment to the fullest.

The past is over and done and cannot be changed. This is the only moment we can experience. Even when we grudge about the past, we are experiencing our memory of it in this moment, and losing the real experience of this moment in the process.
(Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life 74, 75

Walking Meditation

2009-07-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

Walking meditation can be very enjoyable. We walk slowly, alone or with friends, if possible in some beautiful place. Walking meditation is really to enjoy the walking—walking not in order to arrive, but just to walk. The purpose is to be in the present moment and, aware of our breathing and our walking to enjoy each step. Therefore we have to shake off all worries and anxieties, not thinking of the future, not thinking of the past, just enjoying the present moment. We can take the hand of a child as we do it. We walk, we make steps as if we are the happiest person on Earth.
Although we walk all the time, our walking is usually more like running. When we walk like that, we print anxiety and sorrow on the Earth. Instead, let us walk in a way that we only print peace and serenity on the Earth. We can all do this, provided that we want it very much. Any child can do it. If we can take one step like this, we can take two, three, four, and five. When we are able to take one step peacefully and happily, we are working for the cause of peace and happiness for the whole of humankind. Walking meditation is a wonderful practice.
When we do walking meditation outside, we walk a little slower than our normal pace, and we coordinate our breathing with our steps. For example, we may take three steps with each in-breath and three steps with each out breath. So we can say, “In-in-in. Out, out, out.” “In” is to help us to identify the in breath.
If your lungs want four steps instead of three, please give them four steps. If they want only two steps, give them two. The lengths of your in-breath and out-breath do not have to be the same. For example, you can take three steps with each inhalation and four with each exhalation. If you feel happy, peaceful, and joyful while you are walking, you are practicing correctly.
Be aware of the contact between your feet and the Earth. Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet. We have caused a lot of damage to Earth. Now it is time for us to take good care of her. We bring our peace and calm to the surface of the Earth and share the lesson of love. We walk in that spirit. From time to time when we see something beautiful, we may want to stop and look at it-a tree, a flower, some children playing. As we look, we continue to follow our breathing, lest we lose the beautiful flower and get caught up in our thoughts. When we want to resume walking, we just start again. Each step we take will create a cool breeze, refreshing our body and mind. Every step makes a flower bloom under our feet. We can do it only if we do not think of the future or the past, if we know that life can only be found in the present moment. (Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace is Every Step, pg 28.)

Adam R. Seward
Individual, Couple, Family Counseling
www.adamsewardcounseling.net

What is Letting Go?

2009-07-07T15:04:00.001-07:00

To “Let Go” Does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To “Let Go” is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.

To “Let Go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “Let Go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To “Let Go” is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.

To “Let Go” is not to care for, but to care about.

To “Let Go” is not to fix but to be supportive.

To “Let Go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To “Let Go” is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their destinies.

To “Let Go” is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.

To “Let Go” is not to deny, but to accept.

To “Let Go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To “Let Go” is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To “Let Go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To “Let Go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the present.

To “Let Go” is to fear less, and to love more.

Adam R. Seward
Individual, Couple, and Family Counselor
www.adamsewardcounseling.net

Twenty Four Brand New Hours

2009-07-05T23:41:00.000-07:00

Twenty- Four Brand New Hours

Every morning, when we wake up, we have twenty-four brand-new hours to live. What a precious gift! We have the capacity to live in a way that these twenty-four hours will bring peace, joy, and happiness to ourselves and others.
Peace is present right here and now, in ourselves and in everything we do and see. The question is whether or not we are in touch with it. We don’t have to travel far away to enjoy the blue sky. We don’t have to leave our city or even our neighborhood to enjoy the eyes of a beautiful child. Even the air we breathe can be a source of joy.
We can smile, breathe, walk, and eat our meals in a way that allows us to be in touch with the abundance of happiness that is available. We are very good at preparing to live, but not very good at living. We know how to sacrifice ten years for a diploma, and we are willing to work very hard to get a job, a car, a house, and so on. But we have difficulty remembering that we are alive in the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive. Every breath we take, every step we make, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity. We need only to be awake, alive in the present moment.
(Thich Nhat Hahn, Peace is Every Step pg 5.)

Adam R. Seward
www.adamsewardcounseling.net

The Peak Experience

2009-06-24T08:07:00.000-07:00

In a recent session I was reminded of the Peak Experience. I thought it would be nice to revisit the discussion of this phemomenon...

"The person in the peak-experiences feels more integrated (unified, whole, all-of-a-piece), than at other times. He also looks (to the observer) more integrated in various ways. e.g. less split or dissociated, less fighting against herself, more at peace with herself, less split between an experiencing-self and an observing-self, more one-pointed, more harmoniously organized, more efficiently organized with all his parts functioning very nicely with each other, more synergic, will less internal friction, ect.

This person is more purely and singly herself, she is more able to fuse with the world, with what was formerly not-self, e.g., the lovers come closer to forming a unit rather than two people, the I-Thou monism becomes more possible, the creator becomes one with his work being created, the mother feels one with her child, the appreciator becomes the music (and it becomes her) or the painting, or the dance, the astronomer is "out there" with the stars (rather than a separateness peering across an abyss at another separateness through a telescope-keyhole).

That is, the greatest attainment of identity, autonomy, or self hood is itself simultaneously a transcending of itself, a going beyond and above self hood. The person can then become relatively egoless.

The person in the peak-experiences usually feels himself to be at the peak of his powers, using all his capacities at the best and fullest. This person feels "fully functioning." He feels more intelligent, more perceptive, wittier, stronger, or more graceful than at other times. He is at his best, at concert pitch, at the top of her form. She is no longer wasting effort fighting herself, muscles are no longer fighting muscles. In the normal situation part of our capacities are used for action, and part are wasted on restraining these same capacities. Now there is no waste; the totality of the capacities can be used for action. He becomes like a river without dams. (Toward a Psychology of Being, Maslow, pg 100.)

More on this later...

A More Authentic Life

2009-06-22T13:20:00.000-07:00

Often when someone comes into therapy, they take of their masks. They have the experience of talking from their experience directly, rather than just talking about it from a more cognitive place. They experience a felt sense of themselves, who they truly are beyond who they think they are. This, in turn, seems to invoke an experience of realness, authenticity, or what Carl Rogers refers to as congruence. Below I have an expert from a client who had this experience in therapy, and was so moved by it, she choose to share it in writing.

"Taking the plunge was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have hidden my feelings of hurt and loneliness from even my closest friends while I was feeling them. Only when I had suppressed my feelings and could speak jokingly or casually, could I share painful things at all, but that didn’t help me work through them. You knocked down the walls that were holding back hurt, and it was good to be with you and hurt, and not withdraw.

Also, before, it had been so painful to me to be misunderstood or criticized that I chose not to share truly meaningful events, good or bad, most of my life. Only recently have I dared risk the hurt. This experience has opened my to a deeper trust in people, increased my ability to be open with others.

One of the nicest results is that now I can completely relax. I didn’t realize how much constant tension I was under until I suddenly wasn’t! I am now much more sensitive to the times when my emotions or fatigue make me a poor listener, for I find that my own inner hurts and anxiety, even suppressed, interfered with my really listening to another. Since then I have been able to listen better and respond more helpfully than ever before in my life. I have been far more aware of what I was feeling and experiencing an openness to myself I never had before.

Congruence was more an ideal than reality to me. Frankly, I found it disconcerting to experience and frightening to express. This was the first really safe place I had found to see what I was like, to experience and express myself. I now find that a lack of congruence in myself is painful. The release and joy in my being open to what I was experiencing within and being able to keep this openness between us was new and uplifting. I am deeply grateful to you who have made it possible for us to be more open with each other."
(Carl Rogers, A Way of Being, pg 25,26)

Adam R. Seward
Individual, Couple, and Family Counselor

Circles of Caring

2009-06-18T16:18:00.001-07:00

One of the things I have been getting so much enjoyment out of lately is my Circle of Caring group. How rewarding it is to bring older members of the community together to engage in conscious living. Truly a special group of people!

For more information about caring circles click here

If you may be interested in starting a caring circle in your church or community click here

Personal Growth

2009-06-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

Often the answer to the question of human pain and suffering is not one we as humans want to hear. This is largely because the truth of the human situation, the first noble truth if you will, is that pain and suffering are fundamental components of the human condition.
So much sincere effort goes into falsifying this claim. It seems that an equally noble truth of the human condition is a persistent aversion to pain. Fortunately, or unfortunately, our species is extremely well adept to this process. We have so many clever ways of attempting to side-step our suffering. Trouble seems to arise when the ultimate futility of this striving presents itself. No matter how much we try to out run or distract ourselves from our pain, it beckons us to face it. It is at this point we as humans come face to face with one of life's greatest and most challenging questions, "How am I going to respond to my own pain and suffering?"

A common experience is that one begins to listen to their. pain. Through this they find that it has a great deal to teach them. They notice that the same thing they have been attempting to avoid, contains a great deal of wisdom and power. What they have been calling pain, begins to be transformed into something entirely different. Like the alchemical process of transforming base metal into gold. Through our willingness to face it and relate to it, the base metal of our pain is transformed into the gold of our growth as a human being. We become stronger, wiser, and less fearful. Perhaps you have experienced this. If you think back on your life can you recall a painful experience that turned out to be a tremendous gift? Can you apply the wisdom of this experience to whatever life may be presenting you with today? My sense is that you can. My hope is that you will.

Adam R. Seward
Individual,Couple, and Family Counselor
www.adamsewardcounseling.net

Get Out of My Life!

2009-06-05T08:47:00.000-07:00

When clients of mine mention finding a particular book helpful, I like to let others know.

In this recently updated version of his best selling book, Dr. Anthony Wolf offers a real life and practical guide to raising teenagers in our modern world. While Get out of My Life is often humorous, it rings a true and responsive chord with parents of teens who will often see themselves or their teens in the story.
Dr. Wolf looks at the physiological and psychological makeup of teenagers and explores why they often react as they do. He addresses the issues that many parents raise such as "At least I respected my parents when I was a teenager," or "Justin, get that room clean, now!" The book offers practical alternatives to anger, nagging and frustration in dealing with teens, and gives specific recommendations about developing a better relationship with even the most difficult teenagers.

Dealing with issues from communication and trust to better handling conflict and from poor academic performance and drug abuse to the Internet, Dr. Wolf addresses the challenges that seem most pervasive in the parent-teen relationship. Chapters dedicated to teens and divorce (including single parenting and step-parenting) and to teenage sex are especially helpful in dealing with these sensitive issues.

Get Out of My Life is an excellent resource for parents who are going through the daily challenges of working with and loving their teenagers. Loading with practical suggestions for the most common problems, this book is a must read for parents who love and hope to be better parents to their teenage children.

Adam R. Seward M.A.
Individual, Couple, and Family Counselor

Relationships

2009-05-14T14:58:00.001-07:00

Don't be Blown by Every Wind

2009-03-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

It is normal to react and respond to our environment. Reacting is part of life. It's part of interacting, and it's part of being alive and human. But we allow ourselves to get so upset, and so distracted. Little things, big things-anything-have the power to throw us of the track. And the way we respond after we react is frequently not in our best interests.
We may have started reacting and responding urgently and compulsively in patterns that hurt us. Just feeling urgent and compulsive is enough to hurt us. We keep ourselves in a crisis state-adrenaline flowing and muscles tensed, ready to react to emergencies that usually aren't emergencies. Someone does something, so we must do something back. Someone says something, so we must say something back. Someone feels a certain way, so we must feel a certain way. WE JUMP INTO THE FIRST FEELING THAT COMES OUR WAY AND THEN WALLOW IN IT. We think the first thought that comes into our heads and then elaborate on it. We say the first words on our tongues and sometimes regret them. We do the first thing that comes to mind, usually without thinking--without honest thought about what we need to do, and how we want to handle the situation by everyone and everything in our environment. We are indirectly allowing others to tell us what to do. That means we have lost control. We are being controlled.
When we react we forfeit our personal, God-given power to think, feel, and behave in our own best interests. We allow others to determine when we will be happy; when we will be peaceful; when we will be upset, and what we will say, do, think, and feel. We forfeit our right to feel peaceful at the whim of our environments.

Why do we do this?

We react because we're anxious and afraid of what has happened, what might happen, and what is happening.
Many of us react as though everything is a crisis because we have lived with so many crises for so long that crisis reaction has become a habit.
We react because we think things shouldn't be happening the way they are.
We react because we don't feel good about ourselves.
We react because most people react.
We react because we think we have to react.

We don't have to.

There is no “have to;” everything is a choice.

Because something is hard or expected of you or not what you
feel like doing does not mean it is any less of a choice.
It is all choice.

“Having to” victimizes and overwhelms us.

(Melody Beatty, Codependent No More pg 64.)

What is Maturity?

2009-03-12T08:35:00.000-07:00

A mature person is one who has differentiated himself from all others and established clearly marked ego boundaries. A mature person has a good identity. Such a person is able to relate to his or her family system in meaningful ways without being fused or joined to them. This means that one is emotionally free and can choose to move near without anger or absorption and move away without guilt.

For example, one of the grown-up children in a family may decide to go on a Christmas holiday trip with their own family or network of friends. In a functional family, this would probably occasion some sadness in the other family members that the family member would not be home for Christmas. But the parents and other family members would be glad that their fellow family member is happy and has a network of friends.

In a dysfunctional family the other members would be angry. The parents would more than likely be manipulating with guilt and the person staying away for the holidays would surely feel guilty. Let’s say they felt so guilty they canceled their plans and came home for the Christmas celebration. They would be resentful and angry while they were there. This latter scenario is common in dysfunctional families.

The process of differentiation of self is essential to us all. The difference between individuation and belonging is one’s place on the continuum. We are all somewhere on the continuum and all in need of becoming more differentiated. Our individuality is equivalent to our identity. Having a good identity means having a good sense of worth and having a significant other or others who affirm that sense of worth. We cannot have an identity all alone. We need at least one significant other who verifies our sense of worth. Our identity is the difference about us that makes a difference. It must always be grounded in a social context. In a relationship.

Identity unites our self-actualizing needs with our need for belonging. Good identity is always rooted in belonging. In fact, the individuation drive and the need to conform and belong are always in polar tension. We cannot have one without the other.

For individuation and differentiation to take place the family must be a stable and secure enough so that one can get one’s needs met. A healthy family environment provides the opportunity for all members to get their needs met.

Each person needs self worth, self love, self acceptance and the freedom to be the unique and unrepeatable one that they are. Each person needs to be touched and mirrored.

Each person needs a structure which is safe enough to risk growth and ones development. Each person needs affection and recognition. Each person needs their feelings affirmed . Each person needs challenge and stimulation. To move through each stage of development. Finally, each person needs self actualization and spiriutalization.

Spiritualization involves the need to love, care for, the need to be needed, seek truth, beauty and goodness. Spiritualization means living for something greater than ones self, which many call God. (Bradshaw, On the Family, pgs 42,43)

Profile of a Functional Family

2009-03-12T08:27:00.000-07:00

Consider this the beginning of your quest for a new and fruitful self awareness. Let your major focus be on your family of origin. Your original family was the unity from which you came. If it was a functional unit, that family was the source of your individuality and strength and emotional buttress. You family of origin, if functional, gave you a permanent conviction of belonging. Your original family is where you lived out the most passionate and powerful of all your human experiences.

As you examine what a functional healthy family is, you can also focus on the family you are now in or the one you are creating.

There are healthy and fully functioning families. To say that something is functional is to say that everything works. My car, for example may be functional have rust spots on the trunk, but if it drives well, then it is fully functional. It works.

A functional healthy family is one in which all the members are functional and all the relationships between the members are fully functional. As human beings, all family members have available to them the use of all their human powers. They use these powers to cooperate, individuate, and get their collective and individual needs met. A functional family is the healthy soil out of which individuals can become mature human beings. This involves the following.

A. The family is a survival and growth unit

B. The family is a the soil which provides the emotional needs of the various members. The needs include a balance between autonomy and dependency and social and sexual training.

C. A healthy family provides the growth and development of each member including the parents.

D. The family is the place where the attainment of self esteem takes place.

E. The family is a major unit in socialization and is crucial for a society if it is to endure.

The family is the soil for mature people making,what does it mean to be a mature person? Stay tuned...
(Bradshaw On: The Family)

Gratitude

2009-03-04T10:48:00.000-08:00

Have you taken time today to reflect on what you're grateful for? If you haven't, you have an untapped resource of abundant joy waiting for you.

No matter how hard life is for you now, or how much you might feel like you are struggling, gratitude has the power to soften it all. Take a moment to look at your life through the perspective of gratitude now. Come up with a list, if you like, of all the people, situations, and things that you are thankful for. Then, notice the difference in your state of being.

Say "Thank You" often during your day, even when there's no one around. Life loves gratitude! You can even say thank you for your current challenges, what ever they are. Many people are able to look back and say they are grateful for the difficulties that came their way because they helped shape them into who they are today. You can say thank you now, from the knowledge of that same purpose present whatever is facing you today.

How Do You Begin Your Day?

2009-02-18T08:32:00.002-08:00

How Do You Begin Your Day?

2009-02-18T08:32:00.001-08:00

Letting Go of the Past

2009-02-10T12:00:00.000-08:00

Ten Things You Should Know About Anger

2009-01-28T09:35:00.000-08:00

1.The events of this world don’t make you angry. Your thoughts create your anger. Even when a genuinely negative event occurs, it is the meaning that you attach to it that determines your emotional response.

2.Most of the time your anger will not help you. It will immobilize you, and you will become frozen in your hostility to no productive purpose. You will feel better if you place your emphasis on the active search for creative solutions.

3.The thoughts that generate anger more often than not will contain distortions. Correcting these distortions will reduce your anger.

4.Ultimately your anger is caused by your belief that someone is acting unfairly or some event is unjust. The intensity of the anger will increase in proportion to the severity of the maliciousness perceived and if the act is seen as intention.

5.If you learn to see the world thorough other people’s eyes, you will often be surprised to realize their actions are not unfair to their point of view. The unfairness in these cases turns out to be an illusion that exists only in you mind!

6.Other people usually don’t feel they deserve your punishment. Therefore, your retaliation is unlikely to help you achieve any positive goals in your interactions with them.

7.A great deal of your anger involves your defense against loss of self-esteem when people criticize you, disagree with you or fail to behave as you want them to.

8.Frustration results from unmet expectations. Since the event that disappointed you was part of “reality”, it was “realistic”. Thus, your frustration always results from unrealistic expectations.

9.It’s just childish pouting to insist you have the right to be angry. The crucial issue is—is it to your advantage to feel angry? Will you or the world really benefit from your rage?

10.You rarely need your anger in order to be human. In fact, when you rid yourself of that sour irritability, you will feel greater zest, joy, peace, and productivity. You will experience liberation and enlightenment

Guidelines for Conflict Resolution

2009-01-07T08:32:00.000-08:00

What about Honesty?

2009-01-05T15:37:00.000-08:00

"I’ve witnessed the demise of too many marriages and other loving relationships caused by the lack trust that honesty creates and maintains. Who was the culprit in those marriages? Fear - fear of conflict, fear of hurting the other, fear of rejection, fear of disappointing, fear of losing the other’s trust or love or respect. Fear.

“I don’t want to make him angry.”

“I don’t know, I think there’d be hell to pay if I told her…”

Honesty, in the spirit of openness and ownership, allows for the understanding on which trust relies. We don’t trust what we don’t understand and we can’t understand without a basis. Is there a greater gift than the trust you can give to your marriage, to that one person you have chosen to know you and to be known by you?

Marriage is a place to share what you’ve done or what you would like to do and why. But, even more than that, marriage is a place to share the deepest parts of ourselves, the darkest corners of our psyche. This special bond between two people encourages complete and total honesty.

We can know a lot by what someone does. To really know and understand each other, however, comes from learning how everyone experiences what it is they have done. Yes, we watched that movie, but it is how that movie affected us that reveals who we are and how we feel about things. How we experienced the movie we just watched or the phone call we just received or the accident we witnessed is what will help our partner understand the uniqueness of who we are. Our morals and values in our individual sense of “right and wrong,” of our fears and wants, or of our biases and judgments. This is the sharing of what we’ve done or what we’ve experienced. But, it’s in the sharing of how it affected us that richly describes who we are. And, in that honest disclosure comes the trusting and bonding of one to another.

“I did…blah, blah, blah…and boy, did it scare me/inspire me/frustrate me.”

Another important element of honesty is trusting that the one we need the most knows us completely.

“When you say, ‘I love you,’ do you really know the ‘you’ that you’re referring to?”

“Can I trust that you do know all that one can know about me and still love me?”

Copyright © 2008 Greg McBride

A Few Things to Consider

2008-12-08T19:16:00.000-08:00

First, There is no “Have To;” everything is a choice.

Because something is hard or expected of you or not what you
feel like doing does not mean it is any less of a choice.
It is all choice.

“Having to” victimizes and overwhelms us.

“Choosing to” honors our integrity and strengthens us. This is true for
hard choices, painful choices, and obligatory choices.

Your choices are all yours. Be proud, be very proud.

Second, So you don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

Okay.

But what if the people who care about you hear
“I don’t need you.”

What if other people want to be needed by you?

Consider being proud and grateful instead of tentative and
apologetic to people who want to help.

And finally, A Gratitude Checklist

My life is whole and complete just as it is.

I am enough now.

I am blessed in all that I have been given.

I am released from all arrogance and sense of entitlement.

The spirit of gratitude is bold in its assumption. Gratitude will be my choice now, not my fear of having enough.

Is there anything you could have that would be more
meaningful than that for which you are already
grateful?

Worth Considering? I hope so.

Copyright © 2008 Greg McBride

Tips for Setting Boundaries

2008-12-03T15:00:00.000-08:00

1. When we identify we need to set a limit with someone, it is important to do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Avoid justifying, rationalizing, or apologizing. Offer a brief explanation, if it makes sense to do that. We will not be able to maintain intimate relationships until we can tell people what hurts and what feels good. The most important person to notify of a boundary is ourselves.

2. We cannot simultaneously set a boundary (a limit) and take care of another person’s feelings.

3. We may feel ashamed, guilty, or afraid at first when we set boundaries. Do it anyway. People may not know they’re trespassing. And people don’t respect people they can use. People often use people they can use and respect people they can’t use. Healthy limits benefit everyone.

4. Anger, rage, complaining and whining are clues to boundaries we need to set. The things we say we can’t stand, don’t like, feel angry about, and hate may be areas screaming for boundaries. It is important we learn to listen closely to ourselves to hear what we are saying. Other clues that we may need to set a boundary are feeling threatened, suffocated, or victimized by someone. We need to pay close attention to what our bodies are telling us too.

5. We’ll be tested when we set boundaries. Plan on it. It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary until we are ready to enforce it. Often, the key to boundaries isn’t convincing other people we have limits—it’s convincing ourselves. Once we know what our limits are, it will be less difficult to convince others. In fact, people often sense when they have crossed a line. We’ll stop attracting so many boundary invaders. Things will change.

6.Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with boundaries. Our boundaries need to match our behavior. What we need to do is match what we say. If you say your boundary is not to let others drive your car, but you continue to let others take your car then whine about it, then it’s not a boundary yet. Consequences and ultimatums are one way to enforce boundaries. Boundaries are to take care of us, not to control others.

7. Some people are very happy to respect our boundaries. The problem hasn’t been what they’ve been doing to us; it’s what we’ve been doing to ourselves. Some people may get angry at us for setting boundaries, particularly if we’re changing a system by setting a boundary where we previously had none. People especially become angry if we’re been care-taking them, or allowing them to use or control us and we decide it’s time to change that.

How to Love Yourself: By Louise Hay

2008-12-01T05:49:00.000-08:00

1. Stop All Criticism. Criticism never changes a thing. Refuse to criticize yourself. Accept yourself exactly as you are. Everybody changes. When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative. When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive.

2. Don’t scare yourself. Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts. It’s a dreadful way to live. Find a mental image that gives you pleasure (mine is yellow roses), and immediately switch your scary thought to a pleasure thought.

3. Be Gentile and Kind and Patient. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself as you learn new ways of thinking. Treat yourself as you would someone you really loved.

4. Be kind to your mind. Self hatred is only hating your own thoughts. Don’t hate yourself for having the thoughts. Gently change your thoughts.

5. Praise yourself. Criticism breaks down the inner spirit. Praise builds it up. Praise yourself as much as you can. Tell yourself how well you are doing with every little thing.

6. Support Yourself. Find ways to support yourself. Reach out to friends and allow them to help you. It is being strong enough to ask for help when you need it.

7. Be loving to your negatives. Acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need. Now you are finding new, positive ways to fulfill those needs. So lovingly release the old negative patterns.

8. Take care of your body. Learn about nutrition. What kind of fuel does your body need to have optimum energy and vitality? Learn about exercise. What kind of exercise can you enjoy? Cherish and revere the temple you’re in.

9. Mirror Work. Look into your eyes often. Express this growing sense of love you have for yourself. Forgive yourself looking into the mirror. Talk to your parents looking into the mirror. Forgive them too. At least once a day say “I love you, I really love you!”

10. Do it now. Don’t wait until you get well, or lose the weight, or get the new job, or the new relationship. Begin now –do the best you can.

What is Letting Go?

2008-11-17T08:40:00.000-08:00

A common theme in therapy and healing in general is the importance of letting go. Whether it's letting go of grudges and resentments, fears, or the need to control others, it is a helpful practice in promoting psychological health and well being. There can sometimes be confusion about what it means to let go.
Below are some examples of common misconceptions of letting go and also what letting go is in healthiest sense.

Butterfly

2008-11-03T14:59:00.000-08:00

If you have spent much time on this planet, you have probably had the opportunity to really care for someone, so you know how difficult it can be when the people we love make decisions that are harmful to them. You probably also know how challenging it can be to pray for another's protection, and the one that is presenting the greatest threat to them, is their own self. This caring can take a lot out of us! In order to maintain our own health, it becomes necessary to practice letting go. Below is a an example of why sometimes it's necessary to "live and let live" even when we think we have anothers best interest in mind.

Butterfly

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.

So to help the butterfly, he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way o forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!

Feeling Good:The New Mood Therapy

2008-10-30T17:44:00.000-07:00

This is a great piece of work that works! My work has surely been inhanced by what is offered within its pages. So much of being depressed is negative thinking about our lives. This book gives you the tools to challenge your thinking and experience the peace of freedom from our sad stories! In this book Dr. Burns describes how to combat feelings of depression so you can develop greater self-esteem and overcome depression.. This best-selling book has sold over 4 million copies worldwide to date. In a recent national survey of mental health professionals, Feeling Good was rated #1--out of a list of 1000 books--as the most frequently recommended self-help book on depression in the United States. If you are interested in purchasing this book, go ahead and click on it and you will be directed to Dr. Burns website.

Is there such a thing as a "Good Divorce?"

2008-10-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

There is a great book that I love to recommend to families dealing with the difficulty of divorce...the title is, The Good Divorce

Below is an excerpt that I appreciate regarding this concept,

"When I tell people the title of this book I usually get one of two distinct reactions. Either I hear a knee-jerk response, an incredulous: "Isn't saying 'good divorce' a contradiction in terms, like saying 'sweet sorrow' or 'cruel kindness'?" The other set of people--increasing in numbers lately--say, "It's about time. Finally. We're tired of hearing only about the horrors of divorce. We need models to help us do what we want--and need--to be able to do." These listeners invariably have a story about someone they know (it might even be themselves) who fits the definition of the binuclear family. They'd just never put a name to it. They go on to describe some family with this strange relationship where they and their new spouses and all their respective kin spend Thanksgiving or some such holiday together--and everyone seems content.

The good divorce is not an oxymoron. A good divorce is one in which both the adults and children emerge at least as emotionally well as they were before the divorce. Because we have been so inundated with negative stories, divorce immediately carries with it a negative association. Even though we have difficulty conjuring up positive images of divorce, the reality is that most people feel their lives improved after their divorces.

In a good divorce, a family with children remains a family. The family undergoes dramatic and unsettling changes in structure and size, but its functions remain the same. The parents--as they did when they were married--continue to be responsible for the emotional, economic, and physical needs of their children. The basic foundation is that ex-spouses develop a parenting partnership, one that is sufficiently cooperative to permit the bonds of kinship--with and through their children--to continue.

If people are going to divorce and remarry (and even redivorce) in droves, as by all predictions they are, then structuring a good divorce process, family by family, has become absolutely essential. Our sanctioning the process must be incorporated into our dreams of the good life, not treated as the root cause of all of our social nightmares. "

For more information please refer to Constance Ahorns book,

The Good Divorce. Click the Book to go to Amazon.com

Saying Yes and No

2008-10-20T19:48:00.000-07:00

A common theme that comes up in life is difficulty understanding how to use the two very familiar words Yes and No. Both of these can present their unique challenges. For example, when we say No we feel guilty, or when we say Yes we feel undeserving. Melody Beattie, in her book, The Language of Letting Go, has a helpful way of discussing the common difficulties with these words.

For many of us, the most difficult word to say is one of the shortest and easiest in the dictionary: No. Go ahead, say it aloud: No.

No-simple to pronounce, hard to say. We're afraid people won't like us or we will feel guilty. We may believe a "good" employee, child, parent, spouse, or Christian never says no. The problem is, if we don't learn to say no, we stop liking ourselves and the people we always try to please. We may even punish others out of resentment.

When do we say no? When no is what we really mean. When we learn to say no, we stop lying. People can trust us, and we can trust ourselves. All sorts of good things happen when we start saying what we mean.

If we're scared to say no, we can buy some time. We can take a break, rehearse the word, go back and say no. We don't have to offer long explanations for our decisions. When we can say no, we can say yes to the good. Our no's and our yes's begin to be taken seriously. We gain control of ourselves. And we learns a secret: "No" isn't really that hard to say.

Further, it is necessary also to learn how to say the word: Yes.

We can learn to say yes to things that feel good, to what we want - for ourselves and others.

We can learn to say yes to fun. Yes to calling a friend, asking for help.

We can learn to say yes to healthy relationships, to people and activities that are good for us.

We can learn to say yes to ourselves, what we want and need, our instincts, and the leading of our Higher Power.

We can learn to say yes when it feels right to help someone. We can learn to say yes to our feelings. We can learn to identify when we need to take a walk, take a nap, have our back rubbed, or buy ourselves flowers.

We can learn to say yes to work that is right for us. We can learn to say yes to all that will nurture and nourish us. We can learn to say yes to the best life and love have to offer
(Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, Page 225.)

The Journey Toward Self-Actualization

2008-07-30T20:48:00.000-07:00

A couple of questions that I consider often in my work as a counselor are, "What is the ultimate purpose of counseling?" and "What is a general result of counseling that seems positive, or something a client would want to achieve through this process?" One answer that I have come to is captured in the term Self Actualization.

What is Self-Actualization? This is certainly a term that will mean different things to different people. Psychologist Abraham Maslow, who has done extensive research on the topic, observed a common characteristic of Self-Actualizing people to be what he calls the peak experience.

He describes the peak experience in the following way:

"Peak experiences are sudden feelings of intense happiness and well-being, and possibly the awareness of "ultimate truth" and the unity of all things. Accompanying these experiences is a heightened sense of control over the body and emotions, and a wider sense of awareness, as though one was standing upon a mountaintop. The experience fills the individual with wonder and awe. He feels at one with the world and is pleased with it; he or she has seen the ultimate truth or the essence of all things."

On a side note, I recently did some climbing in the Olympic Mountains, and when asked how it was making it to the top, I couldn't resist the temptation to say, "It was definitely a peak experience!"

Maslow and others would suggest that part of becoming a more Self Actualized person, is to experience an increase in the frequency of these peak experiences. He further defines the person in the peak experience as feeling more integrated (unified, ,whole, all-of-a-piece), than at other times. They also look, to an observer, more integrated in various ways, less split or dissociated, less fighting against themselves, more at peace, more one pointed, more harmoniously organized, more purely and singly themselves. They tend to feel more fully functioning, more intelligent, more perceptive, wittier, stronger, and more graceful. They are no longer waisting effort fighting and restraining themselves.

Further, there is a sense of effortless ease to their functioning. Some people will describe this experience as a state of graceful, smooth, and easy functioning, where everything "clicks," or "is in the groove." When observing, one sees the appearance of calm sureness and rightness, as if they knew exactly what they were doing, and were doing it wholeheartedly, without doubts, equivocations, hesitations, or partial withdrawal. In other words, there are no glancing blows at the target or softened blows, only full hits. This person feels themselves to be the creating center of their activities and perceptions. They feel more like the prime mover, self determined, (rather than caused, determined, helpless, dependent, passive.) The experience is also described as being free of blocks, inhibitions, cautions, fears, doubts, controls, reservations, self-criticisms, brakes. They therefore describe themselves as feeling more spontaneous, expressive, and natural. They also report feeling more freely flowing outward and creative.

Another aspect of this process called Self-Actualization is that the peak experience will be extended into more of a plateau experience. So instead of lasting for an hour, it lasts for weeks, or even months.

This is the kind of growth I have seen in clients that I would consider to be generally positive. This is the kind of transformation that I would be comfortable considering as a desired outcome of therapy.