A mature person is one who has differentiated himself from all others and established clearly marked ego boundaries. A mature person has a good identity. Such a person is able to relate to his or her family system in meaningful ways without being fused or joined to them. This means that one is emotionally free and can choose to move near without anger or absorption and move away without guilt.
For example, one of the grown-up children in a family may decide to go on a Christmas holiday trip with their own family or network of friends. In a functional family, this would probably occasion some sadness in the other family members that the family member would not be home for Christmas. But the parents and other family members would be glad that their fellow family member is happy and has a network of friends.
In a dysfunctional family the other members would be angry. The parents would more than likely be manipulating with guilt and the person staying away for the holidays would surely feel guilty. Let’s say they felt so guilty they canceled their plans and came home for the Christmas celebration. They would be resentful and angry while they were there. This latter scenario is common in dysfunctional families.
The process of differentiation of self is essential to us all. The difference between individuation and belonging is one’s place on the continuum. We are all somewhere on the continuum and all in need of becoming more differentiated. Our individuality is equivalent to our identity. Having a good identity means having a good sense of worth and having a significant other or others who affirm that sense of worth. We cannot have an identity all alone. We need at least one significant other who verifies our sense of worth. Our identity is the difference about us that makes a difference. It must always be grounded in a social context. In a relationship.
Identity unites our self-actualizing needs with our need for belonging. Good identity is always rooted in belonging. In fact, the individuation drive and the need to conform and belong are always in polar tension. We cannot have one without the other.
For individuation and differentiation to take place the family must be a stable and secure enough so that one can get one’s needs met. A healthy family environment provides the opportunity for all members to get their needs met.
Each person needs self worth, self love, self acceptance and the freedom to be the unique and unrepeatable one that they are. Each person needs to be touched and mirrored.
Each person needs a structure which is safe enough to risk growth and ones development. Each person needs affection and recognition. Each person needs their feelings affirmed . Each person needs challenge and stimulation. To move through each stage of development. Finally, each person needs self actualization and spiriutalization.
Spiritualization involves the need to love, care for, the need to be needed, seek truth, beauty and goodness. Spiritualization means living for something greater than ones self, which many call God. (Bradshaw, On the Family, pgs 42,43)
1 comments:
A lot of the people have gotten it wrong or, at least, have not gotten it. Maturity isn't just a list of ideal behaviors. It's more to do with what's appropriate, the key being the thought process which leads to a conscious decision. I’ve recently been trying to sort out ‘maturity’ on my own, trying to understand what it is. The problem that I see, is that most people define ‘maturity’ as an opposite of ‘immaturity,’ so that, instead of it being a specific action on its own, it’s just not behaving a certain way. This says a lot, as though we naturally assume the immature actions first, or area always wary of them. But maturity isn't, as a lot of people tend to assign it, just a matter of being precocious or even cautious.
What we need is a more specific definition of maturity, and not just some general sense of doing good or making good decisions. I don’t think it has anything to do with what you choose do do, but how you make those choices. See what you think about my take on it, in “How to Be a Grownup”
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