1. When we identify we need to set a limit with someone, it is important to do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Avoid justifying, rationalizing, or apologizing. Offer a brief explanation, if it makes sense to do that. We will not be able to maintain intimate relationships until we can tell people what hurts and what feels good. The most important person to notify of a boundary is ourselves.
2. We cannot simultaneously set a boundary (a limit) and take care of another person’s feelings.
3. We may feel ashamed, guilty, or afraid at first when we set boundaries. Do it anyway. People may not know they’re trespassing. And people don’t respect people they can use. People often use people they can use and respect people they can’t use. Healthy limits benefit everyone.
4. Anger, rage, complaining and whining are clues to boundaries we need to set. The things we say we can’t stand, don’t like, feel angry about, and hate may be areas screaming for boundaries. It is important we learn to listen closely to ourselves to hear what we are saying. Other clues that we may need to set a boundary are feeling threatened, suffocated, or victimized by someone. We need to pay close attention to what our bodies are telling us too.
5. We’ll be tested when we set boundaries. Plan on it. It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary until we are ready to enforce it. Often, the key to boundaries isn’t convincing other people we have limits—it’s convincing ourselves. Once we know what our limits are, it will be less difficult to convince others. In fact, people often sense when they have crossed a line. We’ll stop attracting so many boundary invaders. Things will change.
6.Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with boundaries. Our boundaries need to match our behavior. What we need to do is match what we say. If you say your boundary is not to let others drive your car, but you continue to let others take your car then whine about it, then it’s not a boundary yet. Consequences and ultimatums are one way to enforce boundaries. Boundaries are to take care of us, not to control others.
7. Some people are very happy to respect our boundaries. The problem hasn’t been what they’ve been doing to us; it’s what we’ve been doing to ourselves. Some people may get angry at us for setting boundaries, particularly if we’re changing a system by setting a boundary where we previously had none. People especially become angry if we’re been care-taking them, or allowing them to use or control us and we decide it’s time to change that.
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